Time is Flying!!

I have been so busy I can't believe it's almost October!! Crazy.
Along with school and working part time at LA Fitness and possibly picking up another job at the sports bar up the street (second interview tomorrow!) and working out and DATING the days have been going by faster and faster. It's 10 o'clock and I'm soooo tired.
Anyway, Kevin is a guy I met at the park about a month back. I haven't been giving him a lot of attention (you gotta work for it!) but he has stepped up this past week, calling and texting a lot wanting to get together as soon as possible. We are going to a baseball game this weekend but he wants to meet up before then for a doggie date haha he has a really cute dog! He's in his late twenties, in real estate, really attractive and we have great chemistry; We just talk really easily. He's from Atlanta, I love that southern gentleman thing he has going on (his accent is pretty cute too). He's really into health and fitness (oh my gosh he has some gorgeous muscles) and he looks like Ne-Yo. He's really cool, warm and funny so we will see where that goes :) Oh and he also use to be in the navy... me and military men I swear lol.


I'm finally over Jay; I will always have love for him but it's just time to let go. We are never getting back together. I have been made to look like a fool too many times with him. I have been trying to let go, but then I will randomly get a call or text from him and it like resets my recovery. It seems like he has grown a lot, which is great for him. He seems to be honest for the first time in a long time. I just can't be his friend right now. And I feel guilty about that because I know he doesn't have a lot of people he's close to in his life (I don't either) and I want to be there for him, but I feel like he can take advantage of me very easily. He's doing what is best for him and I'm trying to do what is best for me. And that is to not be around him or hear from him right now. I need to be completely over him then I can be in his life. I am at the point where I know we aren't meant for each other, but I still have a small amount of vulnerability that if the right words were said I consider giving him another chance. We have a lot of history together and that's what makes it so hard. When we were together this is someone I wanted my family with and I wanted to spend my life with. So that will take some time getting use to; knowing that it's not going to happen.

My relationship patterns that I'm trying to break are dating unavailable men and putting up with their shit.

And I'm doing well right now; I am getting asked out more than I ever have before; I am meeting guys everywhere by accident; at the park, at the gym, at whole foods, it's a little crazy to be honest. I feel like something is just in the air, but I don't know what. Maybe I'm just discovering myself, maturing, have more confidence, and that is leading to find the person for me. I have been through a lot of crappy guys and situations, so every day I wake up and go to sleep knowing that I will have the happy ending I want. I wish for the same thing every night, and I can feel I am getting closer to it.

-Jes

We're bad for each other, but we ain't good for anyone else

I have come to the conclusion, that it is perfectly okay to not be with someone that you love and miss dearly, and vica verca. Missing him is a thing I'm going to have to feel for a long time, until one day we are reunited or until I have found someone else that captures my heart. You never know if God is leading you to someone else, or will lead you back to that person one day. 

So instead of fighting this feeling of sadness and missing him, I'm just going to feel it.

xoxo
Jes

To avoid the "all about guys" direction of this blog...

In case you didn't know (whomever you are) I have been a pescatarian for 5 years (meaning the only meat I eat is fish). I gave up beef, pork, chicken and turkey when my father passed away from obesity complications and I started to develop my own health problems. It's funny how most people don't think about the these they put into their body until you reach a wakeup call. Then you think, "Why haven't I thought about this before?" You health is all you truly have in this world, and your body is yours to take care of that you own out right. No one is going to take care of it for you. And your actions WILL have consequences. 
Another thing that made me ditch meat is everything I have read and seen in videos about factory farms. The torture these animals endure.. It's a terrible life they have. They are bred just to die for our own pleasure. I suggest that if you haven't seen factory farm videos, to watch them. Peta has all kinds, but I'm sure you can find just as disturbing material on good ol' youtube. The bottom line fact is: Meat causes more harm to your health, and our environment than not eating meat. If you still want to eat meat after that, it's fine, it's totally your choice! But that's the fact, the reality, and it's not an opinion. Don't take my word for it though, research it yourself :)

(if you are looking into this lifestyle, why you should, etc.. Pick up the book Skinny Bitch. It will give you a lot of information on your health and the environment. Even if you don't change your mind, it will give you a lot to think about and you can decide for yourself if it's something you want to try.)

Recently, I have made the plunge from a pescatarian to a vegetarian again. I was very healthy eating fish all the time, but since learning that fish feel exactly the same pain as domestic animals would, I am resisting it. I don't want to cause harm or pain to ANY animal on this earth that God presented us with. Do I care if you eat meat in front of me? As long as you aren't stringing it in my face, no. My brother use to do that, and I find it highly disrespectful of my beliefs. I say use to because I refuse to eat with him anymore. I respect other people's beliefs just the same as I respect their sexual orientation or religion, and would never tell them what to do, or make them feel bad about what they eat, and I expect the same in return. I will have no problem educating you on the health food subject if you wish to know. I will present you with facts, not condescending opinions.

Before I started thinking about my health, I was about 30 pounds overweight (which is a lot for my 5'2 frame) thankfully I have a long torso so my weight was distributed not TOO badly but enough for me to be very insecure about my size 12 pants. I was in constant pain. My stomach would get the WORST cramps I have felt. I would be hunched over, screaming not able to walk. My doctor told me I'm probably lactose intolerant and needed to cut it out and lose some weight. I never thought about my weight until I found out this information which was around the same time my father passed away. Then I become borderline obsessed. I dropped everything cold turkey. I didn't become a vegetarian.. I became vegan. All I ate was brown rice and vegetables. I lost 20 pounds with what seemed like overnight, along with my exercising (which I had never done before this either). Over time, I got a grip on myself because I was heading down a scary road, and I didn't want to be SKINNY I wanted to be HEALTHY. So I started researching on a vegetarian lifestyle. I incorporated soy milk, which I still didn't respond well to, so I tried Lactaid which is regular milk without the lactose in it. I did very well with this. It has served me well for the past couple years. I can have a small serving of ice cream every once in a blue moon, and cheese has never been a problem with me. It's mainly just ice cream and milk that would make me sick for a few days if I consumed too much too often.

I wanted to post some pictures of a few of the meals I have been eating lately just to kind of show you what my daily life is like being vegetarian and a part time vegan :) 

I don't starve... ever!!! I eat every few hours like most people, but I have a very small stomach. Vegetarian or not I would have to eat every few hours of something because I don't eat a lot at once, I don't stuff myself (not a good feeling) so I'm hungry a lot. That and it's great for your metabolism to eat this way :)

BTW since I have been strictly eating vegetarian, and the last few weeks I have cut my calories in half by eating most of these things, I have lost 4 pounds in two weeks :)

A spinach, edemame, carrot and quinoa salad (that's a lot of protein!)

I roasted some asparagus and carrots to make them crisp and a wee bit burned

With a side of sweet potato fries and RANCH

(Quinoa is just a grain, it's about $3 for box that will probably last you a few months. You can throw it on your salad, in your stir fry, it's a big source of how vegetarians get their protein. They are really small and pretty much tasteless.)

Perfectly balanced. Loved this meal!

I love Paradise Cafe. They took this Vegetarian Mediterranean sandwich off the menu for a while and I didn't come back until they put it back up! And I'm so glad they did. It's an amazing sandwich that has lettuce, tomatoes, onions, cucumbers and pepperchinies(yum!) with a hummus cilantro spread. O.M.G it's so good. I eat here at least once a week. It's a little expensive though :/ I also got a small sprite which I didn't finish (I just am not a caffeine person) and a complimentary chocolate chip cookie that comes with your meal. And the only thing more tasty than this sandwich, is the freaking cookie. Best cookie I have ever had, hands down. (Sorry grandma, love you!)

This little pasta dish literally takes about 5 minutes to make. It's three cheese stuffed whole wheat rigatoni (found at fresh and easy) and to make sure I got protein in while eating carbs I threw extra edemames in! Then I drizzled olive oil on top, and finished off with a little parmasean and salt. Done! Super healthy (the proper way to eat carbs is 1. Whole Wheat and 2. Add protein) and super delicious!

So this may come as a shock, but one of my favorite meals is this one. I'ts a spinach, carrot and edemame salad with Zesty Italian Dressing with a side of Lactaid chocolate milk. I don't know why but this is so delicious to me. I think the healthier you eat over time, your body and taste buds like health food and start to crave it.

And I have noticed since going vegetarian, and eating more salads, I am craving less junk food. I really just don't want it. And that's a great thing since that is where my problem is :)

And this is one of my favorite snacks, which I have to be careful with, because I will eat the whole damn thing lol. I found this Cantina Style Salsa at Whole Foods (the 365 brand is their brand) it's so delicious and to go with it I bought some blue corn tortilla chips (just a little bit better for you, less processed than regular tortilla chips and A LOT less greasy) It's a lot healthier for you than other snacks, and super yummy.

I'm a very simple cooker and eater. I will literally eat the same things over and over again, day after day. I like my meals to be quick and easy. Being vegetarian is very easy when you know what you're doing. And for those who like to cook a lot, and like variety, you are in luck because there are so many vegetarian dishes it's overwhelming.


At the end of the day...

Selective Forgiveness

Despite what others think, that I'm cold hearted, or vindictive or angry, I am a very forgiving and understanding person... With certain terms.

I can't forgive you if you don't care what you have done.
I can't forgive you if you are too self absorbed to realize what you have done.

I can't forgive you if you don't know how to apologize.

I can't forgive you if you get defensive when I talk about how what you did has effected me.

It always amazes me how people believe forgiveness is equal to charity. No, just because two years has gone by, and I don't hate you with every depth of my soul anymore, doesn't mean I just give you my forgiveness. I have let my anger towards you go, yes. But that was for me; Not you.

I never realized how strong of a person I am, until I have let go of anger towards someone who hurt me so badly; A person who left me to die when I was down; A person who was the most selfish, self centered human being, whom still believes everything is about him; A person who completely turned their back on me when I needed him most; A person who stayed home with mommy instead of moving on with his life; A person who cowardly had his mommy break up with me, while he sat there, dead silent; A person who brought me out to his town, when I was very ill, which I suffered the plane ride there, to just tell me the next day, oh by the way, you need to go home; A person who gave me no reason for this, still to this day; A person who told me he was going to help for himself, but ended up working in a bar (that he's still at), getting in fist fights and drinking; A person who replaced me two months later. All the work I put into someone, some one else got paid. 

I can't forgive him because he still can't face me and the truth.. He would rather live in la la land where he actually believes that he inspired me to pursue my dreams or some shit? I honestly have no idea what that means, he's very dellusional. The only thing he did was add to the stress I was going through with my body. That's it. You didn't inspire me to do anything, I inspire myself. It makes me sick to think that's what he has to tell himself, in order to deal with what he did to me. Why can't you just face it like a man? Because,after two years, you have no grown, you have not changed, you haven't dealt with anything and you have become no more ready to have any kind of relationship with someone. In order to grow and become a better person, you have to admit what you have done. 

The crazy thing is, I really want to forgive him. I do. But I can't; Because I don't forgive those who do something as low as he did, then still refuse to recognize it and be able to feel empathy for the pain he has caused me. He's not good enough to deserve my forgiveness and have me back in his life as a companion. He's late twenties and still can't grow the hell up. It's sad really. I feel bad for him that he's still not successful with his life or making anything happen to become that way. 

Breaking up with me was the greatest thing he has done for me. Otherwise I would probably be in Tennessee, around his crazy ass mother whom I am categorizing as psycho, manipulative, and a meddler. I would be trapped with someone who can't grow up, is doing nothing with his life, and his world revolves around him.

I would love to forgive him one day. Though I won't hold my breath that he will turn into a man anytime soon.

xoxo

Jes

Buh Bye :D

So basically, I'm very ashamed of myself. That I gave any attention to someone who is so below worthy of my time... It pisses me off but makes me laugh at the same time. I clearly am not capable of picking decent men, so I'm just not gonna anymore. I'm not going to try and have a relationship with anyone.. I'm just going back to my old self and doing what I do best, which is clearly not a relationship since the guys I pick are not capable of loving anyone but themselves. I don't give my heart out anymore, I collect them.
I've been dating a lot.. No one special but who cares it's all part of the fun. I have been replacing them almost nightly.. My standards are ridiculously high as they should be... I am no basic bitch :)
So from here on out, there will be no more talk about the ex. Ugh. He's not even an ex. He was a waste of freaking time, trying to manipulate me. Sorry I'm not as stupid as your last bitch and I pity any woman who would consider getting near your sociopathic, man whoring ass. I feel a lot better about it today than I have been feeling lately. I think I just had so much pent up anger and hurt feelings, that once I got it all out, I don't need it anymore. You should not change who you are.. UNLESS YOU ARE A MENTAL ABUSIVE, MAN WHORING, WOMANIZING DOUCHE BAG... Then yes.. you should change everything about yourself :) Enjoy being single for the rest of your life, bitch.

I guess I wanted you more...

I forgot to mention in my last post... my hand was cramping so badly I was typing for about an hour...

My ex called me about a month (seemed so much longer) after I broke off contact with him. A small part of me was wondering/hoping if he realized the errors of his ways, but when I realized he was just checking up on me and expected me to come crawling back.. I was angry. I cut off contact with you because that's what I need to do in order to get over you and you can't even respect that? You couldn't grant me this one thing could you? If he really loved me he would have left me alone. And I'm sure he did love me. Cause I can't love someone like that who doesn't love me.

I cracked and wrote him a message a week later on Facebook. I had to delete his number again, and the past few nights of thinking about him that I was hoping would go away, didn't. So I decided to message him just telling him that I missed him. He didn't reciprocate. He just wanted me to feed into his ego and keep telling him all that stuff. Well good for you. Glad you don't miss me. Even though he didn't say what I wanted to hear, I'm glad I told him I missed him. Because I do. And I think it was hurting me more just not telling him. It was like I was keeping this bottled up, and finally when I let it out I instantly felt better. 

But I can't talk to him anymore. I don't know if I will ever be able to, honestly. I couldn't hear from him knowing he was with someone else. Had the life and family WE were suppose to have. And that I wanted with him more than anyone. That would devastate me. So I hope that he respects my wishes and just stays away because honestly, I'm still crying, and it needs to stop. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't cry over him every single night, think my life is over and will never find anyone else. In a sense I am happier because I'm not crying myself to sleep anymore. I have less anger, stress and anxiety. But I would trade it all if it could work out with him. Because you can't help who fall in love with.
It's a very strange feeling, depriving yourself from someone you feel genetically magnetized to; You feel like you're doing something wrong, but right at the same time. 

In too deep, cant think about giving it up

but i never knew love..

 could feel like a heart attack

its killin' me, swear i never cried so much

cause i never knew love..

 would hurt this fucking bad

worst pain that i ever had

I'm sure he will get pleasure from reading this (aka pleasure from my pain)

xoxo
Jes

P.S. I'm doing well for myself since him. I have lost 8 pounds, getting awesome sleep, getting A's in my classes all these things would not be possible if our chaos was still going on. So on paper I'm doing better... but why do I feel more lost and empty more than before?
I guess the heart wants him still. And I can't seem to shake it. I live my life.. but at the end of every day, I still want him.

Reason, Season, Lifetime.

Ugh... where to start?? It helps my jumbled, overwhelmed, mind if I just go from subject to subject and keep things organized. What can I say? It's the A type personality in me.

School

So I officially became a beauty school dropout in May 2012. I took a couple weeks off for my birthday (May 7) went to San Diego. I figured a break is what I needed and I would be fine after that. Well, the thing about the beach for me is that is really clears my mind. It makes it so clear, all the "maybe I'm just having a rough week" vanish and the reality comes to surface. That's what I hate about writing and the beach sometimes... They make me become honest with myself. I have no control over my thoughts. And really in my heart, I was not happy at school. I was kinda-sorta happy doing hair. When hair is something you have to LOOOVE to do. I use to love it. I think all the politics at school, and all the female drama just finally got to me. And I know what you're thinking. "You couldn't have sucked it up for school and it all would have been fine when you started working?" Well.. no. When I'm unhappy, I want to fix it right away. Plus that, though I believe beauty school is like a cruel hazing into the beauty industry, I don't believe it could have been THAT much different in a work setting. I know hair stylists outside of school, and I hear all the drama that goes on. Again.. I know what you're thinking. "Drama is apart of life, it's everywhere. You can't avoid it." That is true; It is everywhere and you can't fully avoid it. But being around a bunch of competitive women, in a beauty world, where you are not only competing for a job, money, status and in the looks department... why pour gasoline on the fire? Along with that, the standing for 4 hours at one time doing highlights (pretty much 90% of customers are corrective color) was starting to really take a toll on my back. Have you ever stood straight up, for 4-6 hours, not moving anything but your upper body? It's pretty intense. I would walk to the dispensary to clean out my bowls after 4 hours, and I could barely walk... my knees didn't know how to bend anymore. It was pretty bizarre. But it was also making the arthritis in my spine worse. I would start the day okay, and by the time I left I was in tears because I could barely walk. And I know there are women with back problems who do this and use a stool, but really, if I really truly deep down in my heart wanted to make this my career, I WOULD DO IT. And all these things were so easily getting in the way. I was over it. I didn't ever want to go back. I didn't ever want to do hair again. I do miss color.. sometimes.The people from my class have graduated. It does make me a little sad that I couldn't finish with them. I miss them a lot and am very happy for them :) Bottom line: I got joy from making people happy, but it wasn't enough to keep me in an industry that I was miserable in.

Sooo.. Thinking about my life and what I wanted from it. I knew I wanted to do something meaningful that would help others. I have always wanted to do something in the medical field. Exploring, researching career after career I decided I wanted to go into the rehabiliation field. I know what it's like to have your life turned upside down from a physical problem, I would love to help people get their own life back. One of the ways I got to walking again after I was diagnosed with spondylosing arthritis, was a physical therapist. I still needed medication for the extra inflammation daily, but she was amazing in teaching me about certain stretches, strengthening certain muscles and gave the most painful yet beneficial massages I have ever received (and getting inflammation deeply rubbed out... is fucking PAIN) To be a physical therapist, a masters degree (6 years of school is required). That's a weeeee bit too much school for me. 4 is doable, but 6? If I was younger, yes totally!! But I'm 25, I need to get my life going. So I looked at the next best thing when I discovered a physical therapist's assistant. It's two year program (perfect!) three when you add the prerequisites. PTA's when used (not all physical therapists use a PTA) do all the movement, exercises and stretches with the patients. They are one of the top paid professions for associate degrees in the medical field (right below an RN) so they make a great salary; especially for only two years of school. I would like to work in a rehabiliation center or assisted living center. I would also like to do travel jobs (you change cities ever y13 weeks.. or you can stay in that city). I would love a chance to travel around the country for a few years, before I decided to settle down somewhere. 

So to get that going, I am doing online classes right now. I need to get basic english, math and science out of the way in order to apply. I will be applying to Gateway here in Phoenix and to Sacramento City College for the fall of 2013. I'm hoping I get into Sacramento. The temperatures would be lower, close to Tahoe, some old friends and family, and close to the northern california coast. But if I don't get accepted I am almost certain I will get into Gateway. 

I am also studying to get certified as a personal trainer (step1). Then I will study for group fitness (step 2) so I can teach yoga and pilates (step 2 and step 3)

So those are some short term goals and long term goals :) I am doing very well in my classes, getting A's. I am good at studying and work really hard. Who knew I could be a normal, broke, college student? :)

That brings me to my next subject... One that is a little more complicated....

Love Life (or lack thereof)

What do you want me to say? The man I loved that I wrote about in my last post is no longer apart of my life. It feels a little lonely and a little empty. I really do love him. And it pains me every day. I think, dream and cry about him all the time. Do I ever tell him this? No. And it makes it worse. But I can't go back there.

The reality is I didn't like who I was with him. I don't think I really like myself when I am with anyone.  Acutally, with Peter I liked who I was. He brought so much goodness out in me. And I loved him, too. Took me months to stop crying every night. That was worst pain than this one. But this one was a different kind of pain.

I lost my best friend.. Someone I have been friends with since high school. I just couldn't stand it anymore. Fighting every night, me crying myself to sleep every night. The lies, the omitting (lies to me), the blaming me for everything, making me feel so crazy. Like I was making stuff up in my head. And I actually started to think i really was nuts. I waited 7 months for this guy. And I never got any "rights." He would go out dancing with women, go to strip clubs, hang out with girls all the time, while I was sitting here waiting for him. And he had the balls to say to me, "Well when you are my girlfriend you can have a say." That truly just... dagger in my heart. I have been waiting for 7 months, what the hell am I then?? Don't I get a say in something?  I have earned something, for waiting all this time, and put up with his shit.

Leaving him was the hardest thing I have had to do. He had me so attached to him. I don't know who I was. That was not me. I don't chase guys. I don't put up with their bullshit. I don't let them hurt me over and over again. I was angry with myself. I didn't know how to get out of this. I have so much love and history with this guy, how can I just throw it away? He kept calling me a quitter (reverse psychology?). I see it more as just trying to make myself happy. I had to delete his messages, number, pictures, and block him from media sites so I wouldn't be tempted to change my mind in a moment of weakness. My hands were shaking for a week and I was crying and wanted so badly to call him. I still think about him, and Lord knows I still miss him. He's in my thoughts, dreams and heart. We weren't right for each other right now, and it was making us both miserable. He had a wall up, and I wanted him so badly. With my insecurities, I need someone who is more sensitive in that area. Who will think about me before they do something that could possibly hurt me. He wasn't ready to do that. He was going to do whatever the hell he wanted, when and with who he wanted. I wasn't even a factor ever in his mind.

Right now I'm just dating and hanging around. I'm getting asked out a lot by guys at the park and the gym. Maybe my confidence has improved since I became single again? I'm not trying to find anything right now.. Just doing me. And make no mistake I have a guard up.

I'm here without you baby; But you're still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby, but you're still with me in my dreams.

 

xoxo Jes